An Original Poem Dedicated to the Annoying Moviegoer In Front of Me

I sit and wait; I’m in the perfect seat. I tap my feet to the pre-previews beat.

I am the only one in here. How odd. I halfway listen to the ‘Behind The Scenes’ footage while I nod.

“I KNOW RIGHT!” An intruder! She waddles in on her cellphone, scans the chairs looking for her throne.

Not next to me, not next to me, I pray inwardly. She doesn’t – she plops right in front of me.

Screaming into her cellphone. I scream inside. And what’s that smell?

She readjusts herself carefully. I am in hell.

The room goes dark. The MPAA warns this preview is for grown-ups alone.

She says goodbye for the 1000th time and presses ‘End Call’ on her phone.

Yes, I can finally enjoy…

She zips open her suitcase – I don’t think that’s a purse – and snatches the noisiest, loudest chip bag in all of history and under my breath I curse.

One meaty hand on the left, five sausages on the right. She smacks the chip bag and POP! chips dance in the air, blocking my sight.

A giggle and another odd smell. She slams a handful of chips down her throat.

I want to put my hands around her throat.

She whips out her cellphone and presses Messages.

Oh my God…she’s about to text.

The movie is starting. What did I go see? For all I know, there’s a whole new movie in front of me!

All through the film she laughs like a hyena, eats like a pig, releases terrible smells.

I think I already told you I was in hell.

The lights come back on. My torture can end. She leaves as quickly as she came in.

I peer over the seats. Chips, chips, chips litter the chairs. Reminiscences of her are everywhere.

So please moviegoer, shut up, eat quietly, and crap before you leave home, and don’t ever, ever, ever let this be you.

Or the theater might just have to jump on you.

Ever had a horrible moviegoing experience because of that one annoying audience member? Leave your story in the comments. 

13 thoughts on “An Original Poem Dedicated to the Annoying Moviegoer In Front of Me

  1. I love this poem. I hate it when people are this obnoxious in everyday life, but I seem
    to automatically Satanize them when they do it in movie theaters.

    The one thing I didn’t enjoy about your poem, however, was the making of the annoying character obese. I don’t know whether it’s because I can’t find a written work that makes a person of healthy weight look obnoxious, or just the mere stereotype itself…just throwing it out there. But the chip eating part was probably the best in the poem.

    My most annoying theatrical experience: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2 (spoilers if you haven’t seen it, followed the now-dead rave, or read the book). My sister, my mother, and I went to see it in 3-D the day after its release. As all three of us are “Potterheads”, we may have certainly gone to the midnight showing (I haven’t gone to one in my life), but events that day kept us from doing so. I recommended, because of the predicted success of the movie, that we get there 30-45 minutes ahead of time. We did, and we found it odd that not one other person was sitting in the theater. About five minutes before the movie started, a family arrived and sat in the very front row. The only other people in the theater, which still surprises me to this day. Anyway, there were probably more people in the family, but I distinctly remember a preteenaged boy, his much younger sister, and a mother (I think). Praise the Lord for the speakers we sat by, or else we wouldn’t have heard any of the movie. Every five minutes or so, the little girl would complain that she was bored and whatnot, and every third time she did that, the boy would stand up right in front of her and shout in her face as if sibling rivalry was a spectator sport. The mother, in my opinion, was just as idiotic: she chose watching the movie over trying to settle the two of them down. If her kid could flaunt himself in the front row yelling at a sibling, she shouldn’t mind taking them out of the theater or whispering at them to settle the hell down. What was REALLY annoying (and sorry if I’m going on–here’s where the spoiler is) was when the kid(s) distracted us from the particularly emotional scene in which Snape died. He got up and yelled at his sister, “Will you stop crying!?” I couldn’t take it anymore. I guess he had to have someone to listen to; I wasn’t sure if I would help, but I impulsively shouted at him across the theater something like “You paid a lot of money to watch a movie not to torment your sister, now shut up because I came here for the same reasons!!!” My mother, who was sitting a few seats down, didn’t scold me for being rude, maybe because she was equally annoyed by the little kid. And for the record, the yelling was pointless. I could have run over there and yanked his hair and he still wouldn’t have shut up. I don’t know if people would go as far as I would with my opinion, but I’m sure that at a certain degree, we can all nod our heads that this isn’t fair. Personally, I think that if people aren’t going to be arrested for these kinds of shenanigans, theaters should simply give blood tests as they walk in, and have doctors weigh out how prone to distracting others such people are.

    • Thanks :) And the poem wasn’t intended to hurt anyone’s feelings. Just another description. Everyone has their faults, but no one deserves to be ridiculed.

      And that story is pure hilarity. Especially this quote: “theaters should simply give blood tests as they walk in, and have doctors weigh out how prone to distracting others such people are.” :D

  2. I love this poem! Fun read, and oh so very, very true!

    I remember when I went to see “Dracula 2000″ – nothing great, I know, but still. When the previews started, there were three people in the theatre (including myself), all observing wonderful etiquette and sitting well apart from each other. Then this guy who literally must have weighed about 400 pounds decided to park right in front of me. Either he’d just come back from working a hog pen, or he hadn’t bathed in at least a week. He then proceeded to bounce back and forth in his seat, belch loudly, and rustle his bag of Funyuns. I moved to a completely different section of the theatre; it took at least ten rows to escape the stench of this fool. (Seriously.) The belches continued to echo from behind me at regular intervals throughout the film, but at least I didn’t have to smell them anymore.

    How the usher could have let this guy pass in good conscience, I’ll never know. I do know that I never went to that theatre again, though.

  3. Pingback: It’s “Time to Vote Tuesday!” 135 « The Focused Filmographer

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