I sit and wait; I’m in the perfect seat. I tap my feet to the pre-previews beat.
I am the only one in here. How odd. I halfway listen to the ‘Behind The Scenes’ footage while I nod.
“I KNOW RIGHT!” An intruder! She waddles in on her cellphone, scans the chairs looking for her throne.
Not next to me, not next to me, I pray inwardly. She doesn’t – she plops right in front of me.
Screaming into her cellphone. I scream inside. And what’s that smell?
She readjusts herself carefully. I am in hell.
The room goes dark. The MPAA warns this preview is for grown-ups alone.
She says goodbye for the 1000th time and presses ‘End Call’ on her phone.
Yes, I can finally enjoy…
She zips open her suitcase – I don’t think that’s a purse – and snatches the noisiest, loudest chip bag in all of history and under my breath I curse.
One meaty hand on the left, five sausages on the right. She smacks the chip bag and POP! chips dance in the air, blocking my sight.
A giggle and another odd smell. She slams a handful of chips down her throat.
I want to put my hands around her throat.
She whips out her cellphone and presses Messages.
Oh my God…she’s about to text.
The movie is starting. What did I go see? For all I know, there’s a whole new movie in front of me!
All through the film she laughs like a hyena, eats like a pig, releases terrible smells.
I think I already told you I was in hell.
The lights come back on. My torture can end. She leaves as quickly as she came in.
I peer over the seats. Chips, chips, chips litter the chairs. Reminiscences of her are everywhere.
So please moviegoer, shut up, eat quietly, and crap before you leave home, and don’t ever, ever, ever let this be you.
Or the theater might just have to jump on you.
Ever had a horrible moviegoing experience because of that one annoying audience member? Leave your story in the comments.